3The return trip to Rome is a haze to me, so little of it do I recall.Cornelius had partaken of the nectar of the Fiasco, drinking the manhoodonce belonging to me and to Alexios. Some of that male essence, too, hadbeen Julia's, for no woman save the nymphs of Parnassus is entirelyfemale; and without any drop of male essence in us, nymphs we all were,all save Cornelius. We three, Alexia, Julia and I, clustered and giggledaround our male companion, constantly desiring his companionship andapproval, each of us aware of his most intimate desire. We competed withone another to serve him.My compulsory vacuity was not as powerful as that which had commanded mewhen Julia had possessed the whole of my manhood; still, I found itimpossible to deny Cornelius anything. What he desired, I also craved. Ithought never of myself, only of what would make him happy.Our journey was another eight uneventful days, during which we saw nobandits of any kind. Given our united lust, we scarcely kept. I couldn’t find it in me to try to touch him anymore after remembering that dreadful day. James, apparently worried, got up and stood behind me. He wrapped his arms around my shoulder and kissed my cheek, as if to comfort me in some sick way. ‘Xiara. I just….I’m so sorry…’ He trailed off. I looked down and shook my head. ‘James, I can’t think about getting pregnant right now…I don’t want anything to mess us up right now, and I don’t want to get pregnant right now. I want to marry you before we have a child.’ James simply sighed heavily. ‘I already know what you’re thinking of, Xiara. And I want you to know that I still feel horribly about that day. I shouldn’t have made you abort our child against your will. I should have tried harder, understood more…’ I shushed him. ‘James. I’m not talking about this today. We’ve talked about it enough times in the past few months. I just…I can’t think about it right now. When it’s time for me to have a child, I will know. The very thought of being.
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